undeserving of my love, so i create little deaths97 for you all day long.98 these shoes, true litost;99 i and orderly, so small to bear.100

97comme des petits morts

98 became the thing I critiqued. love so hard I hate you. have filled all the rooms that I hold for your skin and bone structures, and now have been pushed to the attics and basements. in the past-present tense there are little places to slip by. had that fantasy of me and your best friend in a crowded house, at night. no air. just the heat and a single white curtain waving in front of an open window. taking me there on the floor by the kitchen because tile was the only cool thing in the house. his wife slept in a hammock on the porch just to catch the breeze. you didn't really notice 'til the recognition of that moan and whimper. when I bit into his tricep it was your arm which hurt.

99"a combination of grief, remorse, sympathy, and an undefinable longing"
"the sudden insight into one's own misery." hatred equally outward as inward.

100last time: not because I can't, but just because I won't.